I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
