hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
