Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
