Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize