he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
