The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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