I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
