my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
