Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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