i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
