Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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