the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
