Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
