So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize