remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
