i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
