my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
