it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
