I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
