I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
