I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
