Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
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On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
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