I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
