I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
