I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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