I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
