I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
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