dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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