I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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