Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
