Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Randomize