watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
