As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
