apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
