the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
