mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
