Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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