im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
bring money and cleavage
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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