Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
