im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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