Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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