So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
