I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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