Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
