told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
