what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
