the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
