You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
