I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
