I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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