Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
