Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
we're so committed to being not committed
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
