My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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