i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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