Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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