I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
