he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
