3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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