If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize