Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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