Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
