i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
