My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
