Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
