you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
