stop calling my apartment porn island.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
