i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
