I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
