Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
