I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
