im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
