help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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