my soul wont recognize me after tonight
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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