yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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