The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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