all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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